Aside from being an awesome Social Code song (all their songs are awesome, and just to prove it I’m giving you a link. Here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aupHZy5sIZs - not it took me 5 tries to copy-paste the url because I was hitting ctrl+v with that silly product key for office 2007 I found for my sister… This is how bad I’m out of it right now). As a warning, this is going to be one of those inner rambling I’mtryingtofiguremyselfout things. No structure, no line, no plot. Just a big splash of thoughts and ideas gurgled, digested and thrown on
paper the screen.
I’ve been thinking. And me thinking (in this way, anyway) is never a good thing because my mood goes down like the stockmarket when it crashes. And i’ve come to the realization that all this being lonely is finding its source in how I seem to be looking for that one connection and, you know, never really finding it anywhere. It gets a little depressing.
And this is where the title ties in. I can’t help it: I fall for the lady in need. No I mean, look at my track record. Every deep connection I’ve ever made with people was because they needed help and I was there for them. I was the one who cared. I may not have the best answers or advice most of the time, but I’m always willing to listen. I’ve come up with this big analogy where I compare myself to a teddy bear, right? Kid’s scared of the dark he’ll hold the stuffed squishy soft furry guy through the night. Kid grows up and gets over his fear, who gets discarded? *raises hand*
I didn’t really understand how I managed to always shove myself into these situations until, well, pretty much now. Yep, the connection you go and make with someone who happens to need your help can be awesome. But it’s obvious it’s not gonna last. Once it’s gone, what do you do? Yep, either you go and try to create a situation where it comes back to you, or you let it die. Or you become so neurotic you actually somehow force the other person to bail on you because, heck, you’re losing your mind over allowing yourself to fall in love for the simple fact you just wanted to believe. no love at first sight, and as true as it might’ve been, you were really just trying to prove to yourself that you could still feel. And as a result you find yourself number than before, and let out IN THE SAME EXACT WAY THE PREVIOUS STROY ENDED. Cuz history repeats itself.
And by the by, you know, don’t ever promise each other to be friends no matter what. Cuz guess what? There’s a big fat chance one of you’s not gonna hold his/her side of the deal.
I’m not looking but at the same time I know that’s cuz I’m missing the one thrill I’ve always seemed to find attractive. Cute girl in distress. I’m prolly wired wrong, maybe that could explain why I can drool over guys but only fall for girls. Maybe that would just explain why i’m so socially inept. I’m just waiting for someone to come to me and ask for help. Maybe not necessarily all the time willingly, but bottomline, even now, it’s kinda what I’m doing.
That and fishing for attention. Because we know that brings one a lot of good. I don’t even know why I do it but I just, y’know… Hope someone would care without me having to actually ASK someone directly because, quite frankly, I don’t know who I should ask. So I’m like, miss contradiction here with the “you can come to me for help any time” but I refuse to call for help to anyone in particular.
I wish I’d be a wreck right now. It’d at least give me an excuse for being so… numb actually. I’m lonely, but eh, no big, right? Except I don’t think I’ve frankly laughed since my lil week in RI. And I haven’t cried since she broke my heart and all my hopes of having her in my life. At all. And I just HATE feeling this way because I just can’t really get on the happy spectrum if I’m just hovering flat waters. I need a wave. A boost. Instead I’m just squished to the surface and looking up at the sky dreaming of a better future when i’m not even living the present all that much. This weekend with the whole tweetout made me realize how much i’ve let myself go. But as with every other times I’ve realized that, I still don’t know where to go or where to start, and I’m terrible at winging things.
I have no one to save, and thus I can’t seem to save myself. Even though having no one to save is actually what’s saving me. Uuugh brain cramp.